I feel infinite

November 29, 2008

Dear friend,

I read a book on Friday called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

It starts like this:

August 25, 1991
Dear friend,
I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don’t try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don’t want you to do that. I will call people by different names or generic names because I don’t want you to find me. I didn’t enclose a return address for the same reason. I mean nothing bad by this. Honest.
I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

My sister gave me it to read because she just finished it and said it was good. I had nothing else to do besides watch movies and eat leftovers so I read it. It took me about 6 hours and it made me think a lot. I'm writing this post like this becuase this is how the book is, so I figured I better write about the book, like how the book reads.

To get a feel for the book, here are a page of quotes I found.
One of my favorites is: we accept the love we think we deserve.

I guess the book was one of those books that just seemed to fit. It was actually kind of spooky. It probably fits with half of my generation because it is chalked full with movies, books, and music. Which made it easy to relate to.

But it was spooky to me becuase it talks about Teach For America. It describes Ayn Rand's life. Which I've looked up recently. It talks about The Fountainhead. I've been planning to read it over Christmas break. It talks in depth about Its a Wonderful Life. One of my favorite movies. There is a love for bacon. enough said. It talks about this leader of the Gay rights movement in San Fransisco. I had never heard of him before. One minute (not kidding) after I read about it in the book, a friend of mine who rarely calls, calls me to tell me she is going to see a documentary on this leader of gay rights in San Fran. Same guy. How weird is that?

I guess what I’m saying is that this all feels very familiar. But it’s not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it’s peaceful outside, and you’re seeing things move, and you don’t want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you’ve read have been read by other people. And all the songs you’ve loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that’s pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing “unity.”
It’s like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means that you’re happy, too.

I enjoyed the book. And Thanksgiving break. I love my family and I love being home. Three more weeks until Christmas. Wow!

Love always,
Katy

Econ still pulls at my heart sometimes

Yes, I realize this is from June. I'm wondering why I'm just reading it now myself.

Creative Capitalism.

why are detectives so low on the list?

noticias buenas!

After a few phone calls, one formal request, and some more anxious waiting... I just got a phone call from the Valley letting me know my placement has been changed to pre-K-4th grade/bilingual.

Yee-haw!

in 24 hours time

my future path has turned a wild turn and I definitely reacted to it a bit differently than I had envisioned. For the past 18 days I have been trying to occupy my thoughts with anything other than my future with or without TFA yet random visions of myself either jobless with no direction post Nov. 17th- or being sent off to someplace crazy teaching something that I'm completely unqualified to teach- kept looming in my thoughts.

Prior to 4pm yesterday, I was unable to keep my attention on anything other than checking my email at every possible moment of the day...and finally when I got a phone call saying the results were posted online, my heart basically fell out my butt.

While the page loaded and I was about to click the 'view my status' link, I had two possible emotions in my head: extreme disappointment and extreme excitement. It never entered my brain to think I could feel two at the same time.

So I clicked the button and literally read.

Congratulations (heart jumped out of my chest and smile went on my face) ....Rio Grande Valley (holy shit...okay I did say i kinda wanted to go there, but now that I really am going there what in the heck was I thinking saying I'd move to the Valley....but okay how fricken sweet will THAT be. smile remains on face..)...Secondary Social Studies (okay..secondary social studies..wait ..WHAT? Secondary..is that middle school? I think that's High school..HIGH SCHOOL? I can't teach high school...social studies? wait...what IS social studies? I don't know history....wait is that government? I don't' even know how the government works..I've never taken a civics class...this isn't' happening..wait...What am I doing?????...smile turns into a dropped jaw)

The next four to six hours of my life felt like I was the luckiest person in the world and the most lost. Visions of not excepting the offer, visions of changing career directions, visions of defering to go abroad again and get away from making real career choices, visions of growing up, visions of getting a car??, visions of being a high school teacher in a matter of months?!!?, visions of crying, then actually crying, being happy, then calling people super excited, then crying some more, then being happy some more.

Contrary to some, speaking in front of students every day, traveling alone, starting over in a new place, committing to something I'm really not sure I'll be good at, and taking on the responsibility of educating the nation's youth scares the shit out of me; so this new opportunity placed in my hands makes me tremble in my cowboy boots.

I think I fell asleep with tears and a smile- my heart and head were literally saturated with confusion, joy, and fear.

Typing this now, just about 24 hours later...I ask myself the question- rather calmly-, regardless of where I'll be or what I'll be teaching...how can I not join the movement to give all students the opportunity to attain an excellent education?

...and with that, the rest really does not seem as important or as horrible anymore. I was confused and scared and sad because I was thinking about the wrong things. I was only thinking about myself, and not the movement. The movement is what's important. The kids in the Valley not going to college is what's important.

Hola Ms. Hayes

Congratulations! We are pleased to invite you to join the 2009 Teach For America corps and are excited to assign you to teach secondary social studies in the Rio Grande Valley.

haha.

Adios!

Crying in Lecture today.... Hi my name is Katy.

Find out why, if you want.

The documentary is 54 minutes long.

What am I getting myself into...

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for completing the Teach For America Spanish exam. We would like to congratulate you on passing the exam and qualifying to teach in a bilingual or Spanish as a foreign language classroom if you are accepted to Teach For America. Please note that this exam has no bearing on your acceptance to Teach For America. The purpose of the exam was to evaluate your Spanish language proficiency for placement reasons, if you are accepted.

History

Flashes of Light in a Wicked Storm