playing grown-up

I think it is interesting that there are few moments in my life when I feel in complete harmony with life. I can pin point these moments down to specific weeks of my life. These moments are the moments before a big change, when you have already gone through a cycle of 'being new,' 'feeling awkward a lot,' 'learning something,' 'growing up a bit,' and finally being completely 'in it' before this moment wanes and you feel either out of it or over it.

Then there's change, and the cycle repeats itself.

I guess its best when you feel 'out of it' or 'over it' before the change. I'd rather make a change then, than feel rushed or pushed or forced into unwanted change. But then again, some times you need the push.

The past week in here in Racine I've been playing grown up and it feels strange. A running list of things I need to take care of before I leave at the end of next week. Get a TB Test, secure a loan so I can afford a summer of unemployment, sign countless forms, get health insurance, register for teacher certification exams, schedule and attend last minute doctor, eye, and dentist appointments, buy a car, get car insurance, and finally pack up all my shit for the 100th time in life....and drive across country to start over.

Overwhelmed with this list I kind of fell to pieces yesterday...but I'm back in action today.

I wonder how long it will take until once again I feel in complete harmony.

I hope not for awhile... I find those moments, while memorable and enjoyable, just can't compare to the rest of it. And heck, you don't learn nearly as much when you're perfectly happy- that's for damn sure.