in 24 hours time

my future path has turned a wild turn and I definitely reacted to it a bit differently than I had envisioned. For the past 18 days I have been trying to occupy my thoughts with anything other than my future with or without TFA yet random visions of myself either jobless with no direction post Nov. 17th- or being sent off to someplace crazy teaching something that I'm completely unqualified to teach- kept looming in my thoughts.

Prior to 4pm yesterday, I was unable to keep my attention on anything other than checking my email at every possible moment of the day...and finally when I got a phone call saying the results were posted online, my heart basically fell out my butt.

While the page loaded and I was about to click the 'view my status' link, I had two possible emotions in my head: extreme disappointment and extreme excitement. It never entered my brain to think I could feel two at the same time.

So I clicked the button and literally read.

Congratulations (heart jumped out of my chest and smile went on my face) ....Rio Grande Valley (holy shit...okay I did say i kinda wanted to go there, but now that I really am going there what in the heck was I thinking saying I'd move to the Valley....but okay how fricken sweet will THAT be. smile remains on face..)...Secondary Social Studies (okay..secondary social studies..wait ..WHAT? Secondary..is that middle school? I think that's High school..HIGH SCHOOL? I can't teach high school...social studies? wait...what IS social studies? I don't know history....wait is that government? I don't' even know how the government works..I've never taken a civics class...this isn't' happening..wait...What am I doing?????...smile turns into a dropped jaw)

The next four to six hours of my life felt like I was the luckiest person in the world and the most lost. Visions of not excepting the offer, visions of changing career directions, visions of defering to go abroad again and get away from making real career choices, visions of growing up, visions of getting a car??, visions of being a high school teacher in a matter of months?!!?, visions of crying, then actually crying, being happy, then calling people super excited, then crying some more, then being happy some more.

Contrary to some, speaking in front of students every day, traveling alone, starting over in a new place, committing to something I'm really not sure I'll be good at, and taking on the responsibility of educating the nation's youth scares the shit out of me; so this new opportunity placed in my hands makes me tremble in my cowboy boots.

I think I fell asleep with tears and a smile- my heart and head were literally saturated with confusion, joy, and fear.

Typing this now, just about 24 hours later...I ask myself the question- rather calmly-, regardless of where I'll be or what I'll be teaching...how can I not join the movement to give all students the opportunity to attain an excellent education?

...and with that, the rest really does not seem as important or as horrible anymore. I was confused and scared and sad because I was thinking about the wrong things. I was only thinking about myself, and not the movement. The movement is what's important. The kids in the Valley not going to college is what's important.