I imagine my Cecilia and my Keanu saying this to me in between screaming fits. That gets me through.

is this real life?

For the second day in a row, and probably the 4th or 5th time in 3 weeks,  my 15 five year olds have reduced me to tears. 

After an hour and thirty minutes of pure defiance from 3/4 of my class, kids running clear across my room away from other students, away from me (even though i'm not chasing, I'm standing perfectly still), kids tackling others, hitting, crying, group timeouts, individual time outs, students leaving the classroom, neighbor teachers coming in, administration entering- talking, lights out...it did not end. 

I feel as though my class is Murphy's law, and everything that can- is going wrong, and everything that I could do wrong, I'm doing wrong. 

Who knows what is going on, but something needs to change. I have one week left with these kids... 

I severely hope that some kids have learned something over the past 3 weeks, but I'm not convinced. It drains me to think everything I've put in over the past 3 weeks has been in vain. 

I got a job secured today for the next 2 years. I'll be either in 1st grade bilingual, or 4th grade reading...it's still TBA. 

Donna, Tx here I come. 

The only thing that is getting me through this is the reason why I'm here. 

Restas: " 4 menos 2 son 2!"

I taught for 2.5 hours in spanish today. 

My students have a plan for me everyday, and I'm being tested on every level possible and pretty much feel like a failure (as a teacher!) during most moments of the day...but then I realize once again...I'm teaching in Spanish. This is pretty frick'n cool, and I feel pretty bad ass. 

side note...I HAVE OFF ON FRIDAY TOO!

end in sight? kinda.

I've been out of Texas for over just about 4 weeks now, and the end of my ridiculous summer training is in sight. 

This week was significantly better in terms of my emotions and my sanity, compared with last week. I think I can safely say last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life.

This week was still really hard in the classroom, but at least I had a better handle on the things I have control of outside of the classroom (my ability to plan, organize my time, relax, etc). 

I left school today, once again completely defeated. I still feel that I have no control of my classroom, my kids have a plan for me everyday, and I don't feel like my kids are learning. 

I'm trying to not take it as personally as I did last week, but when you care about something so much, and you're trying so hard, and you see yourself failing, it's hard not to take it to heart. 

I finally felt in a place after school today where I could put my TFA responsibilities aside and go enjoy a margarita for a few hours. Tomorrow I'm heading downtown to celebrate all afternoon and evening tomorrow at Pride Festival with friends and will take a much needed DAY off.

Sunday I'll be back at lesson planning and figuring out how to improve for next week. 

Ps..my fam did the lighthouse run last weekend...shout-out to family health and well being. 

100 degrees everyday.

continuously increasing effectiveness.

Probably the most powerful and most motivating tool/mindset for me right now. Even if the day goes horribly, I find myself trying to think of every possible way to change it to make it better for the next day. 

I leave my lessons usually feeling like I'm failing all my kids in my class because no one is learning....and that feeling pushes me to make sure the next day goes better.

Especially with 5 year olds, they will all love me tomorrow (usually) so I have a clean slate to work with. 

Its also interesting having 5 year olds. Everyone is basically on the same level. There are a few really advanced students, who can read like a whiz, but basically everyone is equal. When I get back to the dorms at night I talk to my fellow corps members who teach in middle school and high school. 

Half of their class can't read and the other half can, but most don't speak english, so can't pass the tests anyhow. 

The gap is there. just not yet for my little spanish speaking 5 year old kiddos. I feel like if I don't teach them well....What will happen? Where will they end up?

I feel like I'm teaching in fear of a force that is statistically there but doesn't have to be. It is a scary reality/unreality? to be fighting every day. 

One day starts today.

This is from last Monday- my first day as a teacher. 

I wanted to document it. 

Doesn't mean I'm smiling now, but it is worth it.

5 days...19 hours of sleep

TExES teacher exams all this weekend.

I'm falling apart at the seams.

oh dios mio.

Week 2 was hard. It was really really hard.



I'm so happy it is Friday.



I got a name tag that says Ms. Hayes today- where 17 five year olds will be in my hands at 8am.



* * *



When I retold my 'friday' story to a friend, fellow corps member, and past TFA intern w/ me last summer...he told me:



Katy, honestly, I'd rather fail every day working towards something worthwhile, than sit by and do nothing.



so true.



Round 2 next week.